These Scars that We Hide
by soapmaniac22
Summary: "He may be her kryptonite, but she is his." Finn!Monologue and some fun Finchel fluff


**A/N Hey everybody! This is my second attempt at Finchel fanfic! It's actually inspired by the Finchel-prompts tumblr (I don't have a tumblr though, I just troll haha) drabble list number 2. "Scars" Basically, this is how Kait explain Finchel in the back-half :) And you you fellow Circles/Finchelites some good ole fashioned fluff :) Yeah, I know it's like a couple thousand words over drabble length, but ya know, inspiration hit :)**

**Rated T (some language)**

**Disclaimer: Don't own anything but my thoughts! :) **

**I hope you like it! I'm super proud of the way it turned out.**

Sometimes he forgets how lucky he is.

How lucky can one guy get to get a third shot with the most amazing girl he's ever met? (Okay, it's more like his fourth shot. He tries to forget the three weeks after baby-gate and how messed he was then).

Ever since the day he met her, Finn Hudson knew that Rachel Berry was no ordinary girl. She talked a lot, she kind of crazy eyes, she was short, and could really make him feel awkward at times, but that girl could _sing_. When she opened up her mouth during _Don't Stop Believing_ in the auditorium that day, Finn was a goner. He knew that with a voice like hers and an attitude to match it, she wouldn't stay in Lima. She was going to be a star. Rachel Berry was going to be a star in many ways, but he didn't know then that time she would be one of the main stars in his life.

He could spend forever cuddled up with her on her bed, burying his head in her neck, smelling her flowery hair while lazily stroking her stomach as she lay on her back, talking. He wasn't really positive what she was talking about, something about Mormons and Broadway, but he was content to let her voice flow over him as he got lost in his owns thoughts. He would press a kiss every now and then on the crook of her neck to let her know that he was paying attention, and so that he could feel the chill go down her spine every time he kissed _that_ spot. His head was propped up on one of her arms as she raked her fingers through his hair while the other hand softly traced patterns on his arm.

Finn continued on with his thoughts as she continued talking as he got lost in the feel of her touch on his arm. He had never felt so lucky in his life than he did the day she took him back in the school library. After the kiss onstage as Nationals, he thought they were done for. The only thing more precious to Rachel than any love he offered to her, was her dream. And he crushed it. The plane trip back to Ohio was pure hell for him. He could feel her gaze on him the entire time, but he couldn't bear to lift his eyes up and wait for the heartbreak that was sure follow…..

When he broke up with her after the Puck fiasco, he had never felt so alone in his life. But then again, he had never felt so hurt in his life. Before it all happened, Rachel was put up on this pedestal in his life. She was the one person besides his mom that he could count on not to intentionally hurt him. Sure, she messed up sometimes and so did he, but that never mattered as long as he had her. However, the minute she confessed to kissing Puck, something in Finn broke. He never felt so alone. He couldn't believe that this amazing girl that he was so _deeply _in love with would ever be so cruel to him. It didn't make sense to him. But then again, love never really made since to him.

Being alone yet again on the holidays was pure hell for him. Kurt wasn't around much, and it's not like Finn would let him in to his room or his thoughts anyways. He was too raw, too hurt to let anybody in, even his mother. She worried about him every day, bringing him homemade Christmas treats and milk. It wasn't until the sight of her bringing him some banana bread that Rachel had left frozen in their freezer caused him to throw the tray against the wall that she finally understood. She spent the rest of the night doing what she did the night she found out Quinn was pregnant, rubbing his back and hugging him close, listening Finn cry over how broken his heart was.

When he got back to school after Christmas break, Finn was desperate to fill that Rachel-sized hole that she left in his heart. Seeing her down the hall every day at her locker made it worse. He could see her pass by him in the corner of his eye, feeling her eyes on him, smelling her flowery shampoo. It took every bit of strength to not pull her towards him to kiss her, hug her, yell at her, or cry on her. He felt like every time he saw her, he was drowning in her a little bit more. Then he threw himself into football to get his mind off her. It didn't help that every time he thought he was getting over her, she did something like singing with Puck or joining the football team, _anything _to get a reaction out of him.

All she did was break his heart a little bit more.

He couldn't think, he couldn't breathe, he couldn't _look _at her the same way he used to. He couldn't stop loving her anymore than he could stop loving her. And that really sucked.

Then Quinn kissed him.

That whole month was kind of a blur to him due to the mono that Santana gave him. All he can really remember now was how desperate he was to hold on to the fireworks that Quinn made him feel when he kissed her. They distracted him from the devastation he saw on Rachel's face the day she walked out of the nurse's office. They distracted him from how soft her cheek had felt the split second he kissed her at the book. And they distracted him from how _completely stupid _he was when he couldn't explain how kissing Rachel felt. Afterwards, Rachel would blame the mono. Finn would blame his heart. He was so scared of letting her see all the scars that were starting to heal, that he just could not answer. But to him, kissing her was simple to him. It was coming home, it was his future, it evoked the strongest emotion out of him that can't be conveyed to words. She, her kisses, her voice, her pure Rachel-ness, it was his life. And that scared the shit out of him.

So he clung to Quinn. He relied on those fireworks to keep him going through those months they were together. Sure they were bright, loud, pretty, but just distracting. He could still see Rachel in the corner of his life. She was growing back into the Rachel Berry that he fell in love with. Headstrong, smart, pure at heart, confident, beautiful. And damn, she was the cutest drunk he'd ever seen, even if she was kind of needy. He could feel her slipping away, but he knew she was better than him, better than Lima.

Then she wrote that song.

That night, he went home and got out every single photo of him and Rachel that he had stashed in a box under his bed and looked at them. It took every bout of strength that he had not to dive over to his keys and run to his truck, to her warm embrace that he missed so dearly. He missed her. Those fireworks with Quinn were distraction, but they fizzle out when it comes to Rachel's voice. Nothing in his world could ever replace that in his heart. But, he had to let her be. She would be fine without him. He had Quinn, his popularity, and Prom King to concentrate on. Too bad he didn't get a fuck about the last one.

The day Quinn went to Rachel to the doctor for the nose consultation, they had their biggest fight. He yelled at her for being insensitive and encouraging the operation while she yelled at him for still being in love with Rachel. He didn't deny it, neither did she. They pushed aside the argument the minute Quinn's mother came home and he had to play the part of the perfect boyfriend as he kissed her cheek and promised to call her that night. He never did.

The all that stuff went down with Lauren and then he really did feel terrible for Quinn. No matter how mad you can be at someone, that shit wasn't right. He held her in his arms, listening to her cry after getting home from the "Barbravention." (He didn't dare tell her that he'd gone.) He talked with her after the glee club did "Born this Way" about her past and the performance, but he didn't dare tell her about how his heart raced during the song as he recollected Rachel speaking to him directly for the first time since the hospital.

Staking out with Rachel kind of felt like their old dates from the summer, minus the making out. Her, sitting agonizingly close to him in the middle seat as she held up the binoculars, while he tried to concentrate. He could still smell that same flowery scent that she's always had and it took him every ounce of strength not to lean over and kiss her. He got lost in his thoughts when she mentioned forgiving a first love. All he could think was how much he hoped that he was her first love and not Jesse St. Jackass. If it counted for anything, Rachel was his first real true love. Not puppy love. Even Finn knew he was smart enough to know the difference. What he didn't understand was how come all of his girlfriends all seem to cheat on him. Was he really that horrible of a boyfriend? Rachel would later tell him that she would never forgive herself for cheating on him and if he thought less of himself because of it, then he was insane. Then she kissed him to prove it…..and then some (God, he loves being back with her.)

Then Jesse came back.

The moment he heard that she was going with him to prom, it's like someone threw a bucket of ice water over him. His stomach churned and it took everything he had not to hunt down that smarmy asshole and punch his face in. By then, he was over the whole prom thing. He wanted nothing more than to stay home that night, play some Halo, and eat. However, he knew Quinn would kill him if he did and God knows Finn would never forgive himself if Jesse hurt Rachel again. When Rachel helped him pick out the corsage for Quinn, Finn was in awe of her. This, this _amazing, _beautiful, kind girl was hurting so bad because of him, and she helped him with no hesitance. The moment she walked away at the lockers that day, Finn's walls completely crashed down. He may be her kryptonite, but she is his.

When Rachel sang "Jar of Hearts" during prom, he couldn't keep his eyes off her. It was like every single person in the room disappeared as they stared at each other from across the room. He couldn't feel Quinn attempting to talk to him. He couldn't think, he couldn't speak, he couldn't _breathe._ All he knew right then was her voice and her eyes. When he successfully steered away from her direction, he finally let loose a ragged breath and had to choke back a sob. It was all too much.

Seeing Jesse with his lips on Rachel was the last straw. All he could think was "mine, mine, mine" so he yanked him off her. He didn't care about fucking Prom King, he didn't care about Quinn, he didn't care about anything but laying a punch on that jackass's face to pay back for all that pain he caused last year. He briefly could hear Rachel's frantic voice in the background and for the first time in his life, he successfully ignored it and swung anyways. He knew she would be pissed, but he needed to protect her heart. It had already been broken too many times by Jesse, Shelby, and Finn himself. And as for Finn? His heart broke into a million pieces the minute he walked into Breadstix and saw her laughing with him at the booth.

Quinn was pissed, but she pushed losing Prom Queen to the back of her mind and tried to get Finn to concentrate on next year's campaign. Finn didn't really give a shit so he just stopped answering her text messages and concentrated on the fragile scar on his heart that belonged to Rachel. Listening to Jesse talk down to him with Rachel in his presence never failed to bring him down. When he was with Rachel, Finn always felt like he could do anything. That's part of her charm. She instills so much confidence in a person through her own determination that it really is inevitable that you believe too. Then Jesse and even Quinn shot that down. Rachel was wrong about him inspiring her. She inspires him every day. She makes him the leader that he wants to be.

After Sue's speech at her sister's funeral, everything is a whole lot clearer to him. There's a reason why Quinn never makes him feel like he'll die if he doesn't get to hold her one more time. Why he can't let go of Rachel, no matter what the pain she caused or the pain he caused. Why no matter what he does, she's always there, in the back of his mind, waiting for him to come back. Sure he loves Quinn, but it's nothing compared to Rachel. He loves her like a friend when his love for Rachel is so much more than that. It's like the love you read about in all those old chick novels his mom has. It's an all-consuming love that never goes away and he's connected, or _tethered_ to her in so many ways.

But Jesse kisses her and his chance is shot to hell.

Fucking bad timing and tulip that he tried to take out of his mom's garden without her noticing. (She did.)

Finn tries to hold on to New York as something to look forward to. Sure, the Rachel scar in his heart is ripped open and bleeding, but he's going to New York and Jesse isn't. Watching Rachel in New York is probably the most adorable thing he's ever seen. She is overexcited about everything and super jumpy and smiley. And God, when she smiles, Finn's heart heals a little bit more. He wishes he could ignore how his heartbeat doubles, then triples, when she sits next to him during their mashup. If only she knew what effect she had on him.

Finn never counted on Puck to be the one to convince him to man up about Rachel. But then again, in a weird way, Puck is still his best friend, besides Rachel of course. The date was perfect. She was _beautiful _in that blue dress and everything was perfect. Hell, they even met that Patti LuPone chick that Rachel always talked about! But, it all went to crap when he tried to kiss her. He couldn't help it. The moment, the feelings, the love, he couldn't _not. _But when she rejected him, he tried to pretend he couldn't hear his heart break once again. But he couldn't pretend that the Rachel-sized hole in heart wasn't ripping anymore. It covered his entire heart.

Writing _Pretending _wasn't hard for him. He just wrote what he knew. It was everything he ever wanted to say to Rachel ever since the second he broke up with her. It was the story of Finn & Rachel. It was them.

Kissing her after the song was indescribable. It was Superman. It was fire, it was everything he had missed. It was sunshine after a cloudy day. It was six months of not feeling her lips move with him and it was perfect. The Rachel-sized scar finally healed up.

But then they lost Nationals, due to him. If he hadn't written that damn song then he would have never kissed her. He crushed her dreams, while losing her along with it. After that night, Finn wondered if it was possible to die of a broken heart.

That day in library goes down in the top ten moments of Finn Hudson's life. It's third, right up there behind the day he told Rachel he loved her for the first time and the day he first touched her boobs (he's still a guy!). She was so kind and forgiving and just so awesome. He didn't care about the future. All he cared about was that moment and the next year. If he got just a year or forever with her, he wasn't going to waste it.

"Finn?" Rachel's soft voice broke through his thoughts. He just then noticed that she's been quiet for the past few minutes while he was caught up in their past.

"Huh?" he jerked his head out of the side of her neck and rose up on his right elbow to look at her.

"Did my rambling make you fall asleep?" she teased as her eyes twinkled with amusement. That's the great thing about Rachel. She knows him so well now that even if he does slightly screw up (like not pay attention) she doesn't get as mad.

"Nah," he smiled and kissed her lightly on the lips. "I just got lost in my thoughts."

She smiled slightly and wrinkled her forehead, confused. He reached up his hand and smoothed out the lines and placed a kiss on the top of her head.

"Anything important?" she asked with a slight giggle. "I mean, you did miss about an hour about the comparison between the Morm-"

He cut her off with a kiss and wrapped his arm around her waist and crushed her body to his. She moaned softly and he tilted his head to deepen this kiss. She gripped the back of his neck and ran her fingers through his hair as his slipped his tongue into her mouth. Before she could reciprocate, he pulled away and smirked at her expression.

"What was that for?" she asked, biting her lip. He kept smiling at her. She still took his breath away every time he kissed her, any time she smiled at him, any time she even sneezed.

"I love you so much," he whispered, gazing into her eyes. She blushed slightly and smiled.

"You know, last time you did something like that, you had to tell me something," she started, referring back to his mother's wedding. "Anything I don't know about?" She was teasing but he could detect a hint of uneasiness in her eyes.

"Nope," he shook his head. "I just- just sometimes I look at you and I just get this overwhelming sense of love for you. I know this sounds stupid and dumb but, I really thought I had lost you for good this past year and sometimes I forget how lucky I am to get you back."

Her eyes are shining wet with tears so now he thinks he said something bad.

"Not that "getting you back" is like a prize or anything. It's just that- oh god, and not saying that you aren't a prize, I mean you are like candy to me, like a candy prize. I'm screwing this up aren't I? Oh fu-"

She cut him off this time with a searing kiss. When he finally recovered and opened his eyes, she was smiling at him brilliantly.

"You. Are. Amazing." She punctuated every word with a kiss on his face. He smiled and grabbed her close and rolled over on his back. She giggled and leaned down to kiss him again.

"I love you so much too," she said breathlessly and he felt a smile creep on his face as he reached up to caress her face. God, he loved her.

"And I want to prove how much I love you," she started and then to Finn's surprise (and delight) she reached up and pulled off her shirt. Finn felt his mouth go dry as she reached around her back and unsnapped her bra. "I love you so much that I want to go the next step. N-not s-sex yet, but just something more."

Finn grinned at her and she smiled back before shyly leaning down to kiss him.

Oh _hell _yes, he has the best girlfriend ever.

**Thank you so much for reading! Please let me know what you think! :)**

**Kait**


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